Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Bad attitude

The other night, there was some talk between us of sex and even a bit of activity. Elerossë told me it had been X-number of months and I thought "Really?! That long?" It doesn't seem to me that it has been that long.

I pretty much gave him what he wanted and took nothing in return, to keep it short and without details. I still feel there is no point in sex anymore as sex is pointless. Oh how redundant. In other words, why have sex when it is meaningless? There is nothing left but pleasure for the sake of pleasure. The gift is gone. I know this is a bad attitude, but right now I feel like if I can't have it all, I want nothing. Only problem is, Elerossë is most likely to have a problem with the "nothing" part. In fact the whole idea of the vasectomy in the first place was to NOT have it all.

It's like when we first had sex, and then I regretted it and didn't want to do it again, and he wanted a compromise. Instead of having no sex, would could just have sex "some of the time".

Um, if you are having sex, be it once a year or once a week, you are still having sex, there IS no compromise. Either you are having it or you are not. There just is no in between. Doing it LESS doesn't make it more RIGHT. I didn't buy into that, I knew that if I was going to be with him, I would be the only one compromising. I still can't believe he could honestly believe such a thing. Actually, he probably didn't, he probably just hoped I would. I didn't, but obviously that didn't change anything.

I think the whole bedroom scene, the first time we had sex, also had to do with my fear of rejection. If I decided to sleep on the couch, I might appear too up-tight and be rejected for that. Unfortunately, I was still afraid of rejection at that point in my life. Afraid enough that I would do something I didn't like to avoid it. Something that could (and did) lead to something worse. Growing up, I was rejected by my peers. All I wanted was to fit in. And now (that it's too late) I love to stand out. I wish I had been more self-confident and less afraid of rejection when I met Elerossë. I would not have been so easy to "conquer". I only hope I will never let the fear of rejection push me into doing something against my morals again. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.


Post a Comment

<< Home