Thursday, March 09, 2006

Why sex before marriage is NOT good

I admit I had sex with my husband before we were married. It was not originally my intention to do so. I think I was young, inexperienced and ignorant. I admit I really regret it now.

If I had not had sex with him, I would not have felt guilty about leaving him. At least not as guilty. I would not have felt like I'd had a one-night stand or something, and I would not have felt that I should at least give him a second chance. I also would not have felt like I was hurting him so much, since, at the point where I wanted to leave him, I had only known him a few weeks, and had nothing happened physically between us, the loss couldn't be great right? I knew that a lot of people had hurt him in his life and I felt like I was just one more person on the long list who was going to hurt him.

Obviously, I wasn't thinking straight. For one, sex doesn't mean as much emotionally for him as for me. I mean, he's the one for whom it is so important to GET it, but it means nothing, other than pleasure. I didn't realize that because I'd never really known anyone like that. Also, what about me? I didn't want to hurt him but at what expense? He'd have gotten over it and found someone else. Of that I am sure.

I gave him a second chance, got too emotionally attached and probably ended up thinking I'd never find anyone who had faith like I wanted anyway...

I would not be with my husband if it were not for that. I can honestly say that because I used to think it even back when I thought that was a good thing. As in, "I had sex with him, and that wasn't the ideal thing to do, but if I hadn't I probably wouldn't be with him today, because I'd have left him for good, or he'd have left me over it. And then I wouldn't have him now. Things turned out okay in spite of everything."

But as the years go by, and the children get older, and more children come... it seems he becomes consistently anti-catholic while I become consistently MORE catholic. The continually ribbing and put-downs gets to a person after awhile. Either he has become much more anti-catholic than before, or he just doesn't hold back anymore, or perhaps I have become much more sensitive to it.

I was duped because I thought you could just sleep in a bed together without actually doing anything. I had heard of couples doing that. I was wrong. I figured, if I'm not interested, nothing much can happen right? I was wrong. Men are not to be trusted. Or at least, very few of them are to be trusted. If I could go back in time and do things differently, I would definitely choose to sleep on the couch.

I used to desire love and marriage so much. Now, I realize it is much better to be single than to be with someone you probably shouldn't be with. It is much easier anyway. To be single doesn't sound so bad anymore. It sounds rather good actually. Sometimes, (who am I kidding - almost every day) I think, if I were to become single again, if he left me, or died or something, I would never marry again. I would never go out with a man again. Once is enough. Adjusting to someone once, putting up with what I put up, making compromises,... once is definitely enough. Singledom sounds like heaven.

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