Monday, March 13, 2006

Is it all in my Head?

Sometimes I wonder if it's not all in my head. I actually dread having sex. It's not that I am no longer physically attracted to Elerossë, it's that I can't get the word vasectomy out of my head. It seems that sex is so shallow with him, it no longer means anything. And I'd rather not have it right now.

I suppose this is something that a couple should talk about. But knowing Elerossë, he'd take this the wrong way and figure I'm not attracted to him anymore, and it's over (sexually) for us.

Now, if I had never read that darn book (GNASM) or talked with others about birth control, would this even bother me? Sometimes I wish I were just blissfully unaware that THERE'S THIS HUGE GAPING HOLE in our relationship, that sex is supposed to be more than just passing pleasure, it is a sacrament too... It would make things much easier to just not know. Why do I have to know? What did that give me? If I were blissfully unaware, I wouldn't care about the vasectomy. I wouldn't have encouraged him to get one, but I wouldn't CARE.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

A stubborn Catholic

I think I have to thank Elerossë for challenging my faith. Perhaps without his consistent ribbing and put-downs, I might not have become so stubbornly Catholic? On the other hand, hiding to pray and to teach my children is not much fun.

If he thought he would eventually wear me down and get me to drop this silly religious stuff, he was wrong. If he still thinks it, he is wrong. It is backfiring on him.

Why sex before marriage is NOT good

I admit I had sex with my husband before we were married. It was not originally my intention to do so. I think I was young, inexperienced and ignorant. I admit I really regret it now.

If I had not had sex with him, I would not have felt guilty about leaving him. At least not as guilty. I would not have felt like I'd had a one-night stand or something, and I would not have felt that I should at least give him a second chance. I also would not have felt like I was hurting him so much, since, at the point where I wanted to leave him, I had only known him a few weeks, and had nothing happened physically between us, the loss couldn't be great right? I knew that a lot of people had hurt him in his life and I felt like I was just one more person on the long list who was going to hurt him.

Obviously, I wasn't thinking straight. For one, sex doesn't mean as much emotionally for him as for me. I mean, he's the one for whom it is so important to GET it, but it means nothing, other than pleasure. I didn't realize that because I'd never really known anyone like that. Also, what about me? I didn't want to hurt him but at what expense? He'd have gotten over it and found someone else. Of that I am sure.

I gave him a second chance, got too emotionally attached and probably ended up thinking I'd never find anyone who had faith like I wanted anyway...

I would not be with my husband if it were not for that. I can honestly say that because I used to think it even back when I thought that was a good thing. As in, "I had sex with him, and that wasn't the ideal thing to do, but if I hadn't I probably wouldn't be with him today, because I'd have left him for good, or he'd have left me over it. And then I wouldn't have him now. Things turned out okay in spite of everything."

But as the years go by, and the children get older, and more children come... it seems he becomes consistently anti-catholic while I become consistently MORE catholic. The continually ribbing and put-downs gets to a person after awhile. Either he has become much more anti-catholic than before, or he just doesn't hold back anymore, or perhaps I have become much more sensitive to it.

I was duped because I thought you could just sleep in a bed together without actually doing anything. I had heard of couples doing that. I was wrong. I figured, if I'm not interested, nothing much can happen right? I was wrong. Men are not to be trusted. Or at least, very few of them are to be trusted. If I could go back in time and do things differently, I would definitely choose to sleep on the couch.

I used to desire love and marriage so much. Now, I realize it is much better to be single than to be with someone you probably shouldn't be with. It is much easier anyway. To be single doesn't sound so bad anymore. It sounds rather good actually. Sometimes, (who am I kidding - almost every day) I think, if I were to become single again, if he left me, or died or something, I would never marry again. I would never go out with a man again. Once is enough. Adjusting to someone once, putting up with what I put up, making compromises,... once is definitely enough. Singledom sounds like heaven.