Saturday, February 25, 2006

True love

Ever since I read that darn book (GNASM), I have known that what exists between Elerossë and I is very superficial. Reading the book almost had me depressed for a couple of months. It reminded me what true love is, and woke me up to the fact that I do not have it. To defend the Church's view on artificial contraception, Christopher West mentions that love does not accept the other person "except for"... love accepts the other person without exception. Sex is supposed to be a total gift of oneself to the other. But how can you give your whole self "except for fertility"? That's not a whole gift. The same goes for receiving, you cannot receive all a person has to offer if it comes with a condition. "I love you, but I reject your fertility." It is a contradicting message.

The same goes for love as for sex. "I love you except for your faith." But what if my faith is ALL that I am? In such a case your love for me does not go very deep.

I knew that not sharing faith would be hard, I was prepared to accept this. But I did not realize to what point my husband was not actually atheist (a true atheist would be totally indifferent to faith) but was actually ANTI-catholic (in fact, anti-any religion at all). My husband does not really love me. He only "loves" me as long as I do not do or say anything too religious around him and as long as I am not ruining his fun with my "morals". I can never share anything really profound with him because it would be linked somehow to my faith. My faith isn't something that happens one hour a week in my life at mass. My faith IS my life. It is everywhere, in everything I do.

That is not marriage. I do not have a true marriage. Not as the Church understands marriage. If I were to ask for an annulment, I am certain it would be granted. There are too many factors that make this marriage invalid. But that will be for another post. I am not seeking annulment. Why? Definitely because I think the children would be worse off if we separated. Also because maybe someday this marriage could become a true marriage. Finally, because in spite of everything, I still do love him. I might not feel any passion for him, but I care about him, I care what happens to him, I still want the best for him. Feelings are instable. Love is more than a feeling. It is nice to feel feelings. It would be nice to have some spark of passion again, but it is not necessary to love.


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