Saturday, February 25, 2006

True love

Ever since I read that darn book (GNASM), I have known that what exists between Elerossë and I is very superficial. Reading the book almost had me depressed for a couple of months. It reminded me what true love is, and woke me up to the fact that I do not have it. To defend the Church's view on artificial contraception, Christopher West mentions that love does not accept the other person "except for"... love accepts the other person without exception. Sex is supposed to be a total gift of oneself to the other. But how can you give your whole self "except for fertility"? That's not a whole gift. The same goes for receiving, you cannot receive all a person has to offer if it comes with a condition. "I love you, but I reject your fertility." It is a contradicting message.

The same goes for love as for sex. "I love you except for your faith." But what if my faith is ALL that I am? In such a case your love for me does not go very deep.

I knew that not sharing faith would be hard, I was prepared to accept this. But I did not realize to what point my husband was not actually atheist (a true atheist would be totally indifferent to faith) but was actually ANTI-catholic (in fact, anti-any religion at all). My husband does not really love me. He only "loves" me as long as I do not do or say anything too religious around him and as long as I am not ruining his fun with my "morals". I can never share anything really profound with him because it would be linked somehow to my faith. My faith isn't something that happens one hour a week in my life at mass. My faith IS my life. It is everywhere, in everything I do.

That is not marriage. I do not have a true marriage. Not as the Church understands marriage. If I were to ask for an annulment, I am certain it would be granted. There are too many factors that make this marriage invalid. But that will be for another post. I am not seeking annulment. Why? Definitely because I think the children would be worse off if we separated. Also because maybe someday this marriage could become a true marriage. Finally, because in spite of everything, I still do love him. I might not feel any passion for him, but I care about him, I care what happens to him, I still want the best for him. Feelings are instable. Love is more than a feeling. It is nice to feel feelings. It would be nice to have some spark of passion again, but it is not necessary to love.

Friday, February 24, 2006

What makes a marriage valid?

Spouses must consent to what the Church intends by marriage, that is, fidelity, indissolubility and openness to children. (GNASM page 52)

Elerossë has recently gone and gotten himself a vasectomy. He knows I did not want this, that I prefered to go with NFP but since NFP didn't "work" and we just recently had another child, he has taken it apon himself to make sure that never happens again. (Even though even a vasectomy isn't 100% child-proof.)

There is no point in explaining to him the teachings of the Church on that matter, because quite frankly, the Church and God, (and religion in general) are really far from being an authority on any subject at all for him. Not only would he not be convinced by my arguments, he would most likely shut me out if I even tried to explain. Kind of like talking to a brick wall.

Well, unfortunately for him, his whole plan has backfired on him, because this whole quest for vasectomy and him finally getting one has definitely taken all sexual interest out of me. I already felt there was something missing in our sexual intimacy. I have felt it ever since I read that darn book Good News about Sex and Marriage (GNASM) and realized that I could NEVER have what he (Christopher West) was talking about. Since the vasectomy, it is worse.

I have to wonder, is it all in my head? Plenty of sterilized couples seem to still be enjoying sex, so why is it that whenever sex comes up, all I can think about is how he's got a vasectomy now, and when it comes time to have sex, I can't get the fact that he's got a vasectomy out of my head. It makes it rather hard to concentrate on what I'm doing. In fact, it makes it really hard to have any pleasure at all in what I am doing. In fact, I'd rather be somewhere else, doing something else.

Now if I didn't KNOW that sterilizing sex was wrong, if I had never heard that it affected some people's marriages and love-life, would it be affecting me so much? Is this all in my head?

You know, I really feel like someone doesn't want me writing this. Ever since I decided to go ahead with this blog, I have been too busy and too tired to post at all. And now that I finally get a relatively free day, I keep getting interupted by children and the phone, just now I tried to post it but the connection to was refused, and now the baby is crying in his seat beside me, because he is inconsolable in my arms, won't even breastfeed, and dang it! I WILL finish this post and publish it!!!

There, there, I'm coming now baby...