Monday, September 04, 2006

Arms of Love

If you have not already read this novel, please do!

Arms of Love by Carmen Marcoux

It is a beautiful story of love and courtship, and how it all COULD turn out.

Or in my case, how it all COULD HAVE turned out.

The couple in question decide to not even kiss on the lips before marriage, but this isn't portrayed so much as a rule to follow but as something they wanted to do personally. I think one can follow the same path, without necessarily going that far or even doing it exactly like that. I hope I can convince my kids to try being friends first...

Thing is, they make it look so easy to convert people. Like a ripple effect. The one girl's faith and purity gets to the guy, and then to the guy's best friend's girlfriend, the best friend isn't too happy, but eventually converts himself, as does the mother of the first guy, and her new husband. All within months (sometimes days) of coming into contact with this girl (and then the newly converted guy).

In real life, I'm afraid to say, it doesn't work that way.

But what if...

What if I had been like that girl and I had had the guts (and the knowledge) to stay away from places where HE would have been tempted. (If though I wasn't)

Would Elerossë eventually have converted, at first because he really was attracted to me, and then for himself, because he really saw that there was something there? Did I miss that opportunity? Or would he just have dumped me, knowing he wouldn't get anything from me? (Or more likely, me him knowing the faith thing wouldn't work) Either way, it would have been for the better.

I guess half the time, we make our own crosses to bear here on earth. Not that life is unbearable, but marriage could have been so much more.

I worry about my children. I am sure my husband will have a very bad influence on them. I hate thinking about that. But I see it coming. He's already talking about the kids having girlfriends or boyfriends, and talking about his boys getting lots of "experience". But the girls will have to stay at home forever... Talk about double standards and hypocrisy.

Noone should taouch his daughters, even he doesn't like that idea, so some tiny part of hime KNOWS what is right and what is wrong, but who cares about other people's daughters. His daughters should get that kind of love and respect, but noone else's daughters really matter. Not even I was worth that kind of respect.

I guess it was my fault for not making him respect me.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

He doesn't get it...

I guess Elerossë just doesn't get it. He thinks I don't like triple-X movies just because of some religious/moral assumptions about them. This is true, I do not like them because they reduce people to being sexual objects, encourage sex without engagement or even love, separate sex from pro-creation, not to mention the immodesty, infidelity and the list goes on...

Any self-respecting feminist also hates pornography for the simple fact that it reduces women to being sex-objects for men.

But that is not all. The things are actually a major turn-OFF for me. And that is what he doesn't get. I think he thinks that I just won't watch them because I think they're morally wrong, but they'd still turn me on. So then he complains every once in awhile that I won't watch them with him, for example, this comment: "I'd like to watch a XXX movie with my wife but I guess that won't happen." accompanied by a sigh, like the means are out there to stimulate our love-life, but I just refuse to use them.

Somebody, (meaning me, I guess. Sigh), is going to have to set him straight on that one. If he wants me be turned ON, well I am sorry but porn is going to turn me OFF. I might have tried watching them with him before, back when I was compromising on big things for him, but they have NEVER made sex better for me, they have never even made me more arroused. I didn't need THAT to be arroused. And it didn't take all that long to simply find the things idiotic.

Now why in tarnation would he even think I would be arroused by some man and woman (or group of) coldly and passionlessly having very physical sex in about 300 different positions (for the camera you know) where only the guy actually has an orgasm and the girl has to fake it. Not only that, but they are such bad actors, that you can't even believe that they are getting any pleasure. Sorry to be so crude, but a girl wildly bouncing on top of some guy while he SLAPS her buttocks just doesn't feel very authentic. I certainly wouldn't be getting much physical pleasure out of that if I were in her shoes.

I thought I had let him know that porn does not turn me on. I guess I haven't made myself clear enough. It perversely has the opposite effect to the point that, just knowing he has been looking at it himself is enough to turn me off. If he has to look at some other woman in order to get physically aroused, why would that turn ME on?

For some stupid reason the less we have sex, the more he seems to want to do the porn thing, or the "spice it up" thing and the more that turns me off, and the less we have sex. He really doesn't get me. And I have no idea how to explain it to him. I think it must be like a fish trying to explain to a land-lubber what it feels like to breathe through gills. No matter how hard he tried to explain it, the land-lubber wouldn't ever really get it.

Oh, and for the record,... being tired almost all the time for the past oh, year(?) certainly doesn't help either.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Bad attitude

The other night, there was some talk between us of sex and even a bit of activity. Elerossë told me it had been X-number of months and I thought "Really?! That long?" It doesn't seem to me that it has been that long.

I pretty much gave him what he wanted and took nothing in return, to keep it short and without details. I still feel there is no point in sex anymore as sex is pointless. Oh how redundant. In other words, why have sex when it is meaningless? There is nothing left but pleasure for the sake of pleasure. The gift is gone. I know this is a bad attitude, but right now I feel like if I can't have it all, I want nothing. Only problem is, Elerossë is most likely to have a problem with the "nothing" part. In fact the whole idea of the vasectomy in the first place was to NOT have it all.

It's like when we first had sex, and then I regretted it and didn't want to do it again, and he wanted a compromise. Instead of having no sex, would could just have sex "some of the time".

Um, if you are having sex, be it once a year or once a week, you are still having sex, there IS no compromise. Either you are having it or you are not. There just is no in between. Doing it LESS doesn't make it more RIGHT. I didn't buy into that, I knew that if I was going to be with him, I would be the only one compromising. I still can't believe he could honestly believe such a thing. Actually, he probably didn't, he probably just hoped I would. I didn't, but obviously that didn't change anything.

I think the whole bedroom scene, the first time we had sex, also had to do with my fear of rejection. If I decided to sleep on the couch, I might appear too up-tight and be rejected for that. Unfortunately, I was still afraid of rejection at that point in my life. Afraid enough that I would do something I didn't like to avoid it. Something that could (and did) lead to something worse. Growing up, I was rejected by my peers. All I wanted was to fit in. And now (that it's too late) I love to stand out. I wish I had been more self-confident and less afraid of rejection when I met Elerossë. I would not have been so easy to "conquer". I only hope I will never let the fear of rejection push me into doing something against my morals again. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Well, I can be thankful

...thankful that at least that Elerossë is not an abusive husband. It is only when it comes to religion that he hurts me, and mostly it is because he has no idea that it hurts. Mostly he is attacking religion in general, but to attack faith, especially Catholicism, is to inadvertantly attack me. After all, if I adhere to such a thing, it must make me just as ignorant, stupid, stuck-up, hypocritical, up-tight, in need of emotional "crutches" as the rest of the Church and members of any other religion to boot right?

Elerossë is not abusive, and I have come across apparently Catholic men who still emotionally abuse their wives, while going to daily mass, and monthly confession and abstaining from meat on Fridays in Lent!!! It would seem that these are of the "reluctant" catholic category however, practicing because it is expected of them or because it is what they have always done. Some seem to just have grown up with really bad examples for parents and have emotional issues themselves.

So things could be worse. At least I am not on an emotional roller coaster. (Although some of the things these wives were saying I could relate to...) Quite frankly, faced with choosing the otherwise nice anti-catholic and the emotionally abusive catholic, I think I'll take the anti-catholic.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Is it all in my Head?

Sometimes I wonder if it's not all in my head. I actually dread having sex. It's not that I am no longer physically attracted to Elerossë, it's that I can't get the word vasectomy out of my head. It seems that sex is so shallow with him, it no longer means anything. And I'd rather not have it right now.

I suppose this is something that a couple should talk about. But knowing Elerossë, he'd take this the wrong way and figure I'm not attracted to him anymore, and it's over (sexually) for us.

Now, if I had never read that darn book (GNASM) or talked with others about birth control, would this even bother me? Sometimes I wish I were just blissfully unaware that THERE'S THIS HUGE GAPING HOLE in our relationship, that sex is supposed to be more than just passing pleasure, it is a sacrament too... It would make things much easier to just not know. Why do I have to know? What did that give me? If I were blissfully unaware, I wouldn't care about the vasectomy. I wouldn't have encouraged him to get one, but I wouldn't CARE.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

A stubborn Catholic

I think I have to thank Elerossë for challenging my faith. Perhaps without his consistent ribbing and put-downs, I might not have become so stubbornly Catholic? On the other hand, hiding to pray and to teach my children is not much fun.

If he thought he would eventually wear me down and get me to drop this silly religious stuff, he was wrong. If he still thinks it, he is wrong. It is backfiring on him.

Why sex before marriage is NOT good

I admit I had sex with my husband before we were married. It was not originally my intention to do so. I think I was young, inexperienced and ignorant. I admit I really regret it now.

If I had not had sex with him, I would not have felt guilty about leaving him. At least not as guilty. I would not have felt like I'd had a one-night stand or something, and I would not have felt that I should at least give him a second chance. I also would not have felt like I was hurting him so much, since, at the point where I wanted to leave him, I had only known him a few weeks, and had nothing happened physically between us, the loss couldn't be great right? I knew that a lot of people had hurt him in his life and I felt like I was just one more person on the long list who was going to hurt him.

Obviously, I wasn't thinking straight. For one, sex doesn't mean as much emotionally for him as for me. I mean, he's the one for whom it is so important to GET it, but it means nothing, other than pleasure. I didn't realize that because I'd never really known anyone like that. Also, what about me? I didn't want to hurt him but at what expense? He'd have gotten over it and found someone else. Of that I am sure.

I gave him a second chance, got too emotionally attached and probably ended up thinking I'd never find anyone who had faith like I wanted anyway...

I would not be with my husband if it were not for that. I can honestly say that because I used to think it even back when I thought that was a good thing. As in, "I had sex with him, and that wasn't the ideal thing to do, but if I hadn't I probably wouldn't be with him today, because I'd have left him for good, or he'd have left me over it. And then I wouldn't have him now. Things turned out okay in spite of everything."

But as the years go by, and the children get older, and more children come... it seems he becomes consistently anti-catholic while I become consistently MORE catholic. The continually ribbing and put-downs gets to a person after awhile. Either he has become much more anti-catholic than before, or he just doesn't hold back anymore, or perhaps I have become much more sensitive to it.

I was duped because I thought you could just sleep in a bed together without actually doing anything. I had heard of couples doing that. I was wrong. I figured, if I'm not interested, nothing much can happen right? I was wrong. Men are not to be trusted. Or at least, very few of them are to be trusted. If I could go back in time and do things differently, I would definitely choose to sleep on the couch.

I used to desire love and marriage so much. Now, I realize it is much better to be single than to be with someone you probably shouldn't be with. It is much easier anyway. To be single doesn't sound so bad anymore. It sounds rather good actually. Sometimes, (who am I kidding - almost every day) I think, if I were to become single again, if he left me, or died or something, I would never marry again. I would never go out with a man again. Once is enough. Adjusting to someone once, putting up with what I put up, making compromises,... once is definitely enough. Singledom sounds like heaven.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

True love

Ever since I read that darn book (GNASM), I have known that what exists between Elerossë and I is very superficial. Reading the book almost had me depressed for a couple of months. It reminded me what true love is, and woke me up to the fact that I do not have it. To defend the Church's view on artificial contraception, Christopher West mentions that love does not accept the other person "except for"... love accepts the other person without exception. Sex is supposed to be a total gift of oneself to the other. But how can you give your whole self "except for fertility"? That's not a whole gift. The same goes for receiving, you cannot receive all a person has to offer if it comes with a condition. "I love you, but I reject your fertility." It is a contradicting message.

The same goes for love as for sex. "I love you except for your faith." But what if my faith is ALL that I am? In such a case your love for me does not go very deep.

I knew that not sharing faith would be hard, I was prepared to accept this. But I did not realize to what point my husband was not actually atheist (a true atheist would be totally indifferent to faith) but was actually ANTI-catholic (in fact, anti-any religion at all). My husband does not really love me. He only "loves" me as long as I do not do or say anything too religious around him and as long as I am not ruining his fun with my "morals". I can never share anything really profound with him because it would be linked somehow to my faith. My faith isn't something that happens one hour a week in my life at mass. My faith IS my life. It is everywhere, in everything I do.

That is not marriage. I do not have a true marriage. Not as the Church understands marriage. If I were to ask for an annulment, I am certain it would be granted. There are too many factors that make this marriage invalid. But that will be for another post. I am not seeking annulment. Why? Definitely because I think the children would be worse off if we separated. Also because maybe someday this marriage could become a true marriage. Finally, because in spite of everything, I still do love him. I might not feel any passion for him, but I care about him, I care what happens to him, I still want the best for him. Feelings are instable. Love is more than a feeling. It is nice to feel feelings. It would be nice to have some spark of passion again, but it is not necessary to love.

Friday, February 24, 2006

What makes a marriage valid?

Spouses must consent to what the Church intends by marriage, that is, fidelity, indissolubility and openness to children. (GNASM page 52)

Elerossë has recently gone and gotten himself a vasectomy. He knows I did not want this, that I prefered to go with NFP but since NFP didn't "work" and we just recently had another child, he has taken it apon himself to make sure that never happens again. (Even though even a vasectomy isn't 100% child-proof.)

There is no point in explaining to him the teachings of the Church on that matter, because quite frankly, the Church and God, (and religion in general) are really far from being an authority on any subject at all for him. Not only would he not be convinced by my arguments, he would most likely shut me out if I even tried to explain. Kind of like talking to a brick wall.

Well, unfortunately for him, his whole plan has backfired on him, because this whole quest for vasectomy and him finally getting one has definitely taken all sexual interest out of me. I already felt there was something missing in our sexual intimacy. I have felt it ever since I read that darn book Good News about Sex and Marriage (GNASM) and realized that I could NEVER have what he (Christopher West) was talking about. Since the vasectomy, it is worse.

I have to wonder, is it all in my head? Plenty of sterilized couples seem to still be enjoying sex, so why is it that whenever sex comes up, all I can think about is how he's got a vasectomy now, and when it comes time to have sex, I can't get the fact that he's got a vasectomy out of my head. It makes it rather hard to concentrate on what I'm doing. In fact, it makes it really hard to have any pleasure at all in what I am doing. In fact, I'd rather be somewhere else, doing something else.

Now if I didn't KNOW that sterilizing sex was wrong, if I had never heard that it affected some people's marriages and love-life, would it be affecting me so much? Is this all in my head?

You know, I really feel like someone doesn't want me writing this. Ever since I decided to go ahead with this blog, I have been too busy and too tired to post at all. And now that I finally get a relatively free day, I keep getting interupted by children and the phone, just now I tried to post it but the connection to was refused, and now the baby is crying in his seat beside me, because he is inconsolable in my arms, won't even breastfeed, and dang it! I WILL finish this post and publish it!!!

There, there, I'm coming now baby...